1/29/11

There are many things about you that I know. When you say something, you mean it. You do what you know how to do, and when you dont know how to do something, you default. There are things you do to make yourself feel better about where youre at, and though I shall say they dont affect me the way you expect them to, I accept them.. as colaterall. Because I know you. I think that you still know that, but you might not because your personality goes through it's cycles. You may be laughing at all of this, and/or thinking of how wrong I am. But youre still reading it, and I hope that if anything that says something deep down in your heart. And I hope that for one instant you can listen to that voice in your heart, not for my sake, not for your sake. But for the sake of having one more moment of the beauty that we shared, one moment where you dont have to try and make yourself feel better or anything like that. Because everything went wrong, and neither of us wanted this. Someday I think I will write you that letter, but now isnt the time. And maybe that time will never come, but either way I hope that you can smile and feel it in your heart again, and be safe in knowing that everything is pure, even if just for the one second where you realized that this was written for you.
I believed you when you said you loved me unconditionally. I believe that you are hurt, under all of your armer, you are broken. And I am responsible for part of that, so to take responsibility, I am leaving for awhile. Because I know that is what we both need. So you have this, and I hope you find it, and I hope you remember, when you are down, that i am out there somewhere being alive, and I havent forgotten any of you. I hope you know that none of this has been said because I want to be with you again- but simply because I havent changed as much as you think I have, and though i am no longer in love with you, I still love you, unconditionally.

DOUBLEDOSE

I am everything you have ever wanted. I am a doll, dressed in floral prints with pronounced collar bones. I am looking right through you. I am the little punk girl all of your friends love, with all the right things to say. I am too honest, I am mean. Ill look great on your arm and keep the chase. I am oh so understanding, and I am ok in the silence. I am a mind game, a sinking ship. I am the girl of your dreams, and your worst nightmare. You love me, you hate me. You love to hate me. You hate loving me, and youre far too much of a pussy to escape me. But if you ever do, I'll fall in love with you too.

My room is very cold at the moment. And I'm thinking about how whenever I cut my hair, it's like within a day I can't remember what it was like longer. I get like that in various aspects of life. Its like all of a sudden ive mentally blocked out
(insert drastic change) and cant make sense of anything. What a terrible coping method. Im going to see my counseler tomorrow and drop my theater class. Too much, too inconsitant. I cant handle a whimsy grade scale without being terrified for my GPA. Second semester of my senior year. A A A A D B, not bad. Next week I dont start class til 915. Classs for two hours, off for two hours, class for two hours. Talk about inconvinance.

I have absolutely no idea how I got here.